Saturday traffic is a battle. As the modern history student that I once was, I liken it to the muddy trenches of wartime, slowly grinding through the quagmire to win territory inch at a time. The tanks are filled with troops from one of four armies:
Non-Addicts:
These are the lucky people who are so perfectly settled in their own abodes that they manage to find time to engage in leisurely pursuits. These could include Saturday sport, beaching, picnicking or visiting friends and family. Such endeavours are foreign to the remaining three groups on a Saturday, and the other battalions have a veiled hatred of Non-Addicts because they are IN OUR WAY. The real truth is that the rest of us are simply envious that Non-Addicts have an extra free day each week. This situation is normally temporary given that at some point Non-Addicts will be forced through ambition or circumstance to return to Addict-dom.
The Nomads:
This group includes Sellers and Vacating Tenants who are required to evacuate their stations during inspection times, often diving into traffic bedlam to escape the fervent Addicts descending on their turf. This group normally adopt a lower average speed than the other brigades, as they have been burning the midnight oil to ready their properties for inspection and are combating battle fatigue. This army is easy to spot: they sport a mop of dust covered hair, carry the distinct smell of bleach, and are fueled almost exclusively by sugar, caffeine or both.
Property Addicts:
You know who you are. You have downloaded the latest update on your Tomtom to obtain the slightest advantage, competing to be first past the post. Jousting for position in the midst of traffic mayhem, property hunting is the ultimate sport, and you are of Olympic standard. Whilst directions may not come easily to you, you more than make up for this in your mastery of your chosen property search engine and nimble newspaper navigation skills. Your scheduling prowess would rival most executive Personal Assistants, however these amazing feats of time management are frequently thwarted by the fourth group.
Agents:
The lynch pin in the Saturday cycle, the Agent is the most aggressive of the Saturday drivers, driven by time pressure from the afore-mentioned Addicts. The weapons of choice for an Agent are in equal measure, the car, the mobile phone and the GPS. Even modern technology cannot assist the Late-Running-Agent, as a phone call cannot be made to those nameless Addicts responding to the open inspection advert. Such tardiness tends to arise on account of one or more of the following:
- Overly ambitious inspection timetables. Every Agent has at some stage, packed their inspections too tightly together in an often vain attempt to finish work early and engage in some Non-Addict behaviour thereafter.
- Traffic congestion. Every Agent has used this perfectly legitimate excuse at some time. Sometimes it is fact, frequently fiction.
- Persistent punters. Some Addicts are so relieved to have successfully made their way to their destination that they will overstay their welcome, asking a barrage of questions to the wrist-watching Agent. Alternatively Agents are waylaid by the Very-Late-Running-Addict who will beg entry at the door, much in the same fashion as they might at a nightclub after 2am.
There is little by way of solution. Public transport is not a viable option with so many inspections crammed into a short period of time. Some Councils have attempted Clearways on Saturdays to the concern of local business who require parking for their patrons. Soldiers from each of the four groups have adopted a two wheeled offensive to beat the gridlock on a Saturday, with some level of success.
As both an Agent and an Addict, I try to schedule inspections for throughout the week, which does often yield good results. This approach is hit and miss however, as many Addicts cannot attend midweek inspections due to having to actually work to pay for a roof over their heads. How outrageous!
In spite of the above aversions, each group still dons their Saturday armour and takes up arms for their venture out into the wild tarred beyond. And eventually the battle is won, even if it is only a cease fire until next weekend…
How do you feel about Saturday traffic, and those groups who contribute to it? Do you see any solution to the problem?
